*cricketbox*

The year officially started oh, ELEVEN days ago, but tomorrow is the first official week of the year here at the *box*.  Tomorrow I will officially repack all of the knitwear that I’ve collected over the course of the past fifteen or so years which was pulled out of various boxes about four years ago when D moved down here and acclimated.  She’s got her own sweaters now, and I rarely, if ever, have occasion to wear my own, not to mention they take up a good bit of storage that I desperately need.  So tomorrow is uncluttering/cleaning day at cricketbox HQ.

I’m trying as best I can to do some mental uncluttering as well.  I’m overly sentimental for my own good, and as previously mentioned, regularly harangued by my superior memory.  I am blessed/cursed with a near photographic memory, which when combined with my general poor self-esteem, makes for a nasty cocktail seemingly custom crafted to paralyze my thoughts or send them into a frenzied spiral which is almost always exclusively negative and focused on the past.

I’m trying.  I think regularly about people who have, likely, forgotten I even exist.  In their world, I cease to be, while in my world they not only exist, but, with alarming frequency show up to remind me of some past failure that, for whatever reason, my memory refuses to purge.  In my head, there is a cavalcade of shame and failure that I cannot seem to shake.

I’ve done therapy, meds, everything that I could think of.  Nothing has worked.

So after I get paid I’m going to go talk to someone who specializes in PTSD (LOOONG story there) and maybe someone who does EMDR (maybe even the same person).  EMDR helped me greatly in the past (Nate’s mom was such a comfort to me when I was pretty well at the end of my rope) and I’m hoping it will again.

I’d just like to be able to utilize my memory for something other than a fucking anchor tying myself to a past that really, at least right now, doesn’t seem worth the tie.

I watch constantly as the world moves forward and the people around me do the same while I just slip further and further behind, not be regression but by stasis.

I believe a little housecleaning is definitely in order.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 11th, 2009 at 11:08 pm and is filed under Head Noise. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.