Pipe dreams from the hill
Cats: Uncategorized|I’m sick. It started about a week ago, pre Coachella, and has steadily spiraled down. Bronchitis, sinusitis, and an ear infection (no, I don’t know what –itis goes for ears).
Because of this, I’m not sleeping, not eating, and not really able to stand for more than a couple of minutes at a time. The only thing I really can do is think. Think, and stare at the charcoal portrait of Kurt Cobain that continually passes judgment over me, my actions, my life all while growing younger and younger by the passing of days as I get older.
I met Shepard Fairey just before his scorching DJ Diabetic/Insulin set at Coachella. That guy is an absolute fucking inspiration. Not only did he take the time to talk to me, but bothered to ask my name, introduced me to his wife (Amanda) and talked to me about other street artists here in Vegas, and even Oscar Goodman. He was not only engaging, but but actually engaged. It totally blew my mind; it continues to do so. Due to technical difficulties, he actually did a bit more talking to the crowd than he initially expected to. Again, inspirational. It was like having me from a former life lecturing complacent, downtrodden, more or less given up, frustrated, stifled present-tense me. Only better, because it wasn’t me at all. Hearing out loud, from someone else, how The Clash, Dead Kennedys, et al. changed their life and set them on a different path, and how that path could actually end OK was really fantastic. Heart-swellingly so. It reminded me of so much that I’ve shelved in myself, so much that I’ve given up on, so much that I’ve denied, so many regrets.
I gotta say, it feels like shit.
Right now, I have no future. I do not have any idea what I will be doing in 3,5,10 years. I just don’t. I have no idea how I am going to make a living once my winnings are gone. I have sent out many many copies of my résumé, written all manner of asinine pre-employment essays, answered many questionnaires. For nothing. I haven’t done anything specifically INFOSEC related in a long time. I also just found out that my idea for a semi-automated client-side attact platform has been done. And what do you know, the guys that did it got picked up on the con-circuit and ended up being no small thing. And that hurts like Hell. I have a single idea right now, which is of dubious quality and which requires a Goldbergian sequence of events to fall in to place before it can even happen. Another pipedream. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could’ve capitalized on the ohsovery many opportunities that have slipped through my fingers.
For now I have to be satisfied with staring in to the so-tired looking eyes of a Buttonesque dead man.
April 26th, 2009 at 2:35 am
It sounds like its time for the clan to relocate…and a Goldbergian sequence of events has been happening which impacts us all, in my life,which is to say, our lives…and you know what? and we can tailor our lives so that every experience is a Goldbergian event, always what we need when we need it…I miss you and want to explain what has helped me…it should be in person and could take days…you down?